Jack Black Roast Highlights

Posted on May 11, 2013

While working his red carpet magic along the press line before the Roast, Jack’s pants fell to the ground as he reached for his coveted Roast Award.
“I have to hold my pants up because I didn’t pack a belt. I forgot. I always forget something. I f—-d up on the checklist!” Jack told reporters.

Roastmaster Bob Saget turned the heat up on Jack Black Roast within seconds of the luncheons commencement. “Jack Black is a great success, and he’s not your typical leading gnome... To say Jack is a one trick pony is an insult to ponies. I’ll never forget when I took my kids to see Jack in Gulliver’s Travels— because I didn’t.”

Sarah Silverman added her warmest personal regards shortly thereafter. “Your body needs a Wonderbra. Unlike most comedians, Jack is not starved for attention, just onion rings. Yeah, Jack is so fat, his last movie was shot by Google Earth.”

Jeff Ross wondered aloud, “How have you not been in any of the f—ing Hobbit movies, you chubby lesbian? Next up, Jack is starring in Kung Fu Panda 3. Roger Ebert was going to review that movie, but he took the easy way out. He would have called that film jaw-dropping.”

But Jack wasn’t the only target of the afternoon. Artie Lange to Amy Schumer:
“It’s good that you’re sitting next to Gene Simmons. He can tell you exactly how much makeup it takes to cover up a herpes sore.”

Sarah Silverman to everyone. “Anyone who’s seen Bob Saget do stand-up knows it’s nothing like Full House. He played a sweet dad for Full House; he plays a terrible comedian for a half-full house.”

Amy Schumer to Carrie Keagan: “Carrie Keagan is here for some reason? Congrats on your tits, I guess. A lot of you might not know who she is, but I looked her up on IMDB, and it turns out, it really doesn’t matter. But you’re a great host... of HPV.”

Shirley MacLaine getting the focus back on Jack: “Jack, I loved working with you beyond words. Your performance in Bernie was stupendous; it was splendiferous. It was extraordinary to go to work and watch you do that stuff all day. It makes up for Kung Fu Panda and Gulliver’s Travels and Mars Attacks. Were you the alien in Mars Attacks? I hope this is an evening like you’re winning an Oscar. Which you will probably never know.”

Jack soon got payback with his compadres. “Oh, Bob Saget. You played such a pussy fart on the boob tube for like a thousand years. You got your butt rammed with ABC cash for far too long, my friend, and no amount of dicks and titties and butthole jokes can erase that. Roasted!”

“Jeffrey Katzenberg, one of the coolest dudes in showbiz, and that’s all I’m going to say about my sweet bro J. Katz. Gotta keep him buttered up so he’ll keep dumping Kung Fu Panda cash on my mansion lawn. You are a very handsome and virile man, and the gatekeeper of my great-grandchildren’s college educations. Semi-Roast!”

“Shirley MacLaine is like a grandmother to me. She reminds me of my own grandmother, constantly calling me a fat f–k while I change her diaper. Old Roast!”

At the after-party at the Monastery, Jack jumped on stage with The Spin Doctors to give attendees a tasty dose of Tenacious D.