The Catholic Chauffeur

April 22, 2016

After getting all of Pope Francis's luggage loaded into the limo at the airport, (and he doesn't travel light), the driver notices the Pope is still standing on the curb.
'Excuse me, Your Holiness,' says the driver, 'Would you please take your seat so we can leave?'
'Well, to tell you the truth,' says the Pope, 'they never let me drive at the Vatican , and I'd really like to drive today.'
'I'm sorry, Your Holiness, but I cannot let you do that. I'd lose my job!
What if something should happen?' protests the driver, wishing he'd never gone to work that morning.
'Who's going to tell?' asks the Pope with a smile.
Reluctantly, the driver gets in the back as the Pope climbs in behind the wheel. The driver quickly regrets his decision when, after exiting the airport, the Pontiff floors it, accelerating the limo to 205 kms. (Remember, the Pope is Argentinian,) (and Fangio the famous racer was Argentinian.)
'Please slow down, Your Holiness,' pleads the worried driver, but the Pope
keeps the pedal to the metal until they hear sirens.
'Oh, dear God, I'm going to lose my license -- and my job!', moans the driver.
The Pope pulls over and rolls down the window as the cop approaches; but the cop takes one look at him, goes back to his motorcycle, and gets on the radio.
'I need to talk to the Chief,' he says to the dispatcher.
The Chief gets on the radio and the cop tells him that he's stopped a limo going 205 kph.
'So bust him,' says the Chief.
'I don't think we want to do that. He's really important,' said the cop.
The Chief exclaimed, ’All the more reason!'
'No, I mean really important,' said the cop with a bit of persistence.
The Chief then asked, ’Who do you have there, the mayor?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: ' A senator?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
Chief: 'The President?'
Cop: 'Bigger.'
'Well,' said the Chief, 'who is it?'
Cop: 'I think it's God!'
The Chief is even more puzzled and curious, 'What makes you think it's God?'
Cop: 'His chauffeur is the Pope!

Great Come back

April 21, 2016

If you ever testify in court, you might wish you could have been as sharp as this policeman.
He was being cross-examined by a defense attorney during a felony trial. The lawyer was trying to undermine the police officer's credibility .....

Q: 'Officer --- did you see my client fleeing the scene?'
A: 'No, sir. But I subsequently observed a person matching the description of the offender, running several blocks away.'

Q: 'Officer, who provided this description?'
A: 'The officer who responded to the scene.'

Q: 'A fellow officer provided the description of this so-called offender. Do you trust your fellow officers?'

A: 'Yes, sir. With my life.'

Q: 'With your life? Let me ask you this then officer. Do you have a room where you change your clothes in preparation for your daily duties?'
A: 'Yes sir, we do!'

Q: 'And do you have a locker in the room?'
A: 'Yes, sir, I do.'

Q: 'And do you have a lock on your locker?'
A: 'Yes, sir.'

Q: 'Now, why is it, officer, if you trust your fellow officers with your life, you find it necessary to lock your locker in a room you share with these same officers?'
A: 'You see, sir, we share the building with the court complex, and sometimes lawyers have been known to walk through that room.'

The courtroom EXPLODED with laughter, and a prompt recess was called. The officer on the stand has been nominated for this year's 'Best Comeback' line -- and we think he'll win.

Viagra Ingredients

April 20, 2016

Vitamin E 3%
Aspirin 2%
Ibuprofen 2%
Vitamin C 1%
Spray Starch 25%
Fix-A-Flat 67%


April 19, 2016

People often ask for a simple explanation of the business world buzzword 'Marketing.'
Well, here it is:

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I am very rich. Marry me!'
That's Direct Marketing.

You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you and says, 'He's very rich. Marry him.'
That's Advertising.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, 'Hi, I'm very rich. Marry me.'
That's Telemarketing.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie; you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her; pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, 'By the way, I'm very rich. Will you marry me?'
That's Public Relations.

You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, 'You are very rich.'
That's Brand Recognition.

You're at a party and see a handsome girl. She fancies you, but you talk her into going out with your friend.
That's a Sales Rep.

Your friend can't go out with her so she asks you.
That's Tech Support.

You're on your way to a party when you realize that there could be handsome girls in all these houses you're passing. So you climb onto the roof of one situated towards the centre and shout at the top of your lungs, 'I'm very, very rich!'
That's Junk Mail.

You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, 'I'm rich. Marry me' She gives you a nice hard slap on your face.
That's Customer Feedback.

Southern Divorce

April 18, 2016

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, 'What are the grounds for your divorce?'
'About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'
'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'
'It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,' she responded.
'I mean,' he continued, 'what are your relations like?'
'I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents.'
The judge took a deep breath and asked, 'Do you have a real grudge?'
'No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car.'
'Please,' he tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it.'
'Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?'
'Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.'
The judge asked, 'Is your husband a nagger?'
'Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!'
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' she replied.
'I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
The damn fool says he can't communicate with me.'