March 7, 2016

Hi Bill, This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.

Bill,  feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.

Hi Bill, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you'll figured it out anyway, but I'm sure you noticed that my auto correct changed 'WiFi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.

The Wives Text their Husbands and Swap Phones

March 4, 2016

A group of women were at a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, 'How many of you love your husband?' All the women raised their hands.
Then they were asked, 'When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?' Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were then told to take out their cell phones and text their husband: 'I love you, sweetheart.' Next the women were instructed to exchange phones with another woman and read aloud the text message they received in response to their message.
Below are 12 actual hilarious replies. If you have been married for quite a while, you understand that these replies are a sign of true love....who else would reply in such a succinct and honest way?

1. Who the hell is this?
2. Eh, mother of my children, are you sick or what?
3. Yeah, and I love you too. What's wrong?
4. What now? Did you wreck the car again?
5. I don't understand what you mean?
6. What the hell did you do now?
7. Are you sure this is for me?
8. Don't beat about the bush, just tell me how much you need?
9. Am I dreaming?
10. If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die.
11. I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day.
12. Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?

Kinda tugs at the heart, doesn't it?!

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March 3, 2016

This was written by a young student, who apparently has their own take on what it is like for 'retired' grandparents. Enjoy looking at this through the eyes of a child.

RETARDED GRANDPARENTS | After Christmas vacation, a teacher asked her young pupils how they spent their holiday away from school.

One child wrote the following:

We always used to spend the holidays with Grandma and Grandpa. They used to live in a big brick house but Grandpa got retarded and they moved to Stayyoung Bay in Florida where everyone lives in nice little houses, and so they don't have to mow the grass anymore! They ride around on their bicycles and scooters and wear name tags because they don't know who they are anymore. They go to a building called a wreck center, but they must have got it fixed because it is all okay now. They do exercises there, but they don't do them very well.
There is a swimming pool too, but they all jump up and down in it with hats on. At their gate, there is a doll house with a little old man sitting in it. He watches all day so nobody can escape. Sometimes they sneak out, and go cruising in their golf carts!
Nobody there cooks, they just eat out. And, they eat the same thing every night - early birds. Some of the people can't get out past the man in the doll house. The ones who do get out, bring food back to the wrecked center for pot luck.
My Grandma says that Grandpa worked all his life to earn his retardment and says I should work hard so I can be retarded someday too. When I earn my retardment, I want to be the man in the doll house. Then I will let people out, so they can visit their grandchildren. PRICELESS!

Burial Plan

March 2, 2016

A man and woman were married for many years. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. The old man would shout, 'When I die, I will dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life!'

Neighbors feared him. The old man liked the fact that he was feared. Then one evening, he died when he was 98. After the burial, her neighbors, concerned for her safety, asked,'Aren't you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life?'

The wife said, ' Let him dig. I had him buried upside down...and I know he won't ask for directions.'

Cheque Cashing – ID Requirement Options

March 1, 2016

Justin Trudeau walks into a Royal Bank to cash a cheque. As he approaches the cashier he says, 'Good morning, Ma'am, could you please cash this cheque for me?'

Cashier: 'It would be my pleasure sir. Could you please show me your ID?'

Trudeau: 'Truthfully, I did not bring my ID with me as I didn't think there was any need to. I am Justin Trudeau, the Prime Minister of Canada !!!!'

Cashier: 'Yes sir, I know who you are, but with all the regulations and monitoring of the banks because of impostors and forgers and requirements of the CIDC legislation, etc., I must insist on seeing ID.'

Trudeau: 'Just ask anyone here at the bank who I am and they will tell you. Everybody knows who I am.'

Cashier: 'I am sorry, Mr. Trudeau, but these are the bank rules and I must follow them.'

Trudeau:' Mon dieu. I am urging you, please, to cash this cheque.'

Cashier: 'Look Mr. Trudeau , here is an example of what we can do.

“One day, Tiger Woods came into the bank without ID. To prove he was Tiger Woods he pulled out his putter and made a beautiful shot across the bank into a cup. With that shot we knew him to be Tiger Woods and cashed his cheque.

“Another time, Andre Agassi came in without ID. He pulled out his tennis racket and made a fabulous shot whereas the tennis ball landed in my cup. With that shot we cashed his cheque.

“So, Mr. Trudeau, what can you do to prove that it is you, and only you?'

Trudeau stands there quite perturbed, and finally says, 'Honestly, my mind is a total blank, I have absolutely no idea what to do, I don't have a clue.'

Cashier: 'Will that be large or small bills, Mr. Trudeau?'