Heard In the Friars Barbershop
A member walked in to the Friars club barbershop for his monthly haircut. As he snips away, Luigi asks what’s up.'
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. 'ROME?!' Luigi says, 'Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?'
'We're taking TWA,' the man replies.
'TWA?!' yells Luigi. 'They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?'
The man says 'We'll be at the downtown International Marriot.'
'That DUMP?!' says Luigi. 'That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?'
The man says 'We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.'
'HA! That's rich!' laughs Luigi. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!'
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Luigi says, 'Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha United gave you the worst flight of your life!'
'No, quite the opposite' explained the man. 'Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!'
'Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.' 'No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!'
'Well,' Luigi mumbles, 'I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!'
'Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.'
Impressed, Luigi asks, 'Tell me, please! What'd he say?'
'Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?'
Beer – Profound thoughts
Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and I think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' - Babe Ruth
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.' - Winston Churchill
'When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading.' - Paul Horning
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' - H. L. Mencken
' When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' - George Bernard Shaw
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry
'BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!' - W.C. Fields
Lawyer Stories – #34 of 760,004
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?
My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?
Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.
Taxpayer Money at Work
Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.
A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.
However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.
By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.
MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.
He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.
They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout 'Cah', not a single one could shout 'Truck.'