Airlines – Pilots Vs. Ground Techs

May 27, 2016

It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; a reassurance to those of us who fly routinely in our jobs.

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a 'gripe sheet,' which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight.
Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.
*
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
*
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
*
P: Dead bugs on windshield..
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200-feet-per-minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground..
*
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
*
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
*
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.
*
P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF is always inoperative in OFF mode.
*
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right..
*
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
*
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.
*
P:Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
*
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
*
And the best one for last
*
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget.

By the way, UPS is the only major airline that has never, ever, had an accident.

Redneck Ingenuity

May 26, 2016

Hot Dog Grilling ToolRed Neck Grilling tools

The funeral

May 25, 2016

A Jewish man was leaving a convenience store with his espresso when he noticed a most unusual Italian funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A black hearse was followed by a second black hearse about 50 feet behind the first one. Behind the second hearse was a solitary Italian man walking a dog on a leash. Behind him, a short distance back, were about 500 men walking single file.

The man couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the Italian man walking the dog and said:
'I am so sorry for your loss, and this may be a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen an Italian funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?'
'My wife's.'
''What happened to her?'
'She yelled at me and my dog attacked and killed her.'
He inquired further, 'But who is in the second hearse?'
The Italian man answered, 'My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned on her.'
A very poignant and touching moment of Jewish and Italian brotherhood and silence passed between the two men..
The Jewish man then asked 'Can I borrow the dog?'
The Italian man replied, 'Get in line.'

House Rules for New Senior Complex

On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
'The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males , and the male dormitory to the females. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time.'
He continued, ' Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $80. Are there any questions?'
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd and inquired: 'How much for a season pass ???

 

 Detectives: From the Blonde Files

May 24, 2016
A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The first blonde answers, 'That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!'
The policeman says, 'Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his profile.' Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes them picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?'
The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, 'Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!'
The policeman angrily responds, 'What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up with?
Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third blonde and in a very testy voice asks, 'This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?' He quickly adds'...think hard before giving me a stupid answer.'
The blonde looks at the picture intently for a moment and says,'Hmmmm.. the suspect wears contact lenses.'
The policeman is surprised and speechless because he really doesn't know himself if the suspect wears contacts or not. 'Well, that's an interesting answer ... wait here for a few minutes while I check his file and I'll get back to you on that.'
He leaves the room and goes to his office, checks the suspect's file in his computer, and comes back with a beaming smile on his face. 'Wow! I can't believe it ... it's TRUE! The suspect does in fact wear contact lenses. Good work! How were you able to make such an astute observation?'
'That's easy,' the blonde replied. 'He can't wear regular glasses because he only has one eye and one ear.'