80 Year Old Couple Texting

December 21, 2015

An elderly couple had just learned how to send text messages on their mobile phones. The wife was a romantic type and the husband was more of a no-nonsense guy.

One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee.

She decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

'If you are sleeping, send me your dreams. If you are laughing, send me your smile. If you are eating, send me a bite. If you are drinking, send me a sip. If you are crying, send me your tears. I love you.'

The husband texted back to her:

'I'm on the toilet. Please advise.'

Counseling- Southern Style

December 18, 2015

Earl and Bubba are doing their most relaxing pastimes.
They are chewing tobacco and drinking beer while quietly sitting in a boat fishing.
Suddenly Bubba says,

'I think I'm gonna divorce Linda Sue - she ain't spoke to me in over 2 months.'

Earl spits, sips his beer and says,

'Better think it over.... women like that are hard to find.'

DOG FOR SALE

December 17, 2015

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there. 'You talk?', he asks.

'Yep', the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, 'So, what's your story?'
The Lab looks up and says, 'Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so... I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping.'

'I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running.
But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in.

I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals.'

'I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired.'
The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.
'Ten dollars', the guy says.
'Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?'
'Because he's a liar. He's never been out of the yard.'

Kid’s Rewrite Old Proverbs

December 16, 2015

A first grade teacher collected old, well known proverbs. She gave each kid in her class the first half of a proverb, and had them come up with the rest:

As you shall make your bed so shall you... mess it up.

Better to be safe than... punch a 5th grader.

It's always darkest before... daylight savings time.

Never underestimate the power of... termites.

You can lead a horse to water but... how?

Don't bite the hand that... looks dirty.

You can't teach an old dog new... math.

If you lie down with the dogs, you'll... stink in the morning.

The pen is mightier than the... pigs.

Where there's smoke, there's... pollution.

A penny saved is... not much.

Two's company, three's... the Musketeers.

Laugh and the whole world laughs with you, cry and... you have to blow your nose.

None are so blind as... Helen Keller.

Children should be seen and not... spanked or grounded.

If at first you don't succeed... get new batteries.

You get out of something what you... see pictured on the box.

When the blind lead the blind... get out of the way.

Old Saskatchewan Rancher

December 15, 2015

A banker saw his old friend Tom, an 80-year old rancher, in town.

Tom had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride.

Being a good friend, the banker asked Tom if the rumor was true.

Tom assured him that it was. The banker then asked Tom the age of his new bride to be.

Tom proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'

NOW THE BANKER, BEING THE WISE MAN THAT HE WAS, COULD SEE THAT THE SEXUAL APPETITE OF A YOUNG WOMAN COULD NOT BE SATISFIED BY AN EIGHTY-YEAR- OLD MAN.

WANTING HIS OLD FRIEND'S REMAINING YEARS TO BE HAPPY THE BANKER TACTFULLY SUGGESTED THAT TOM SHOULD CONSIDER GETTING A HIRED HAND TO HELP HIM OUT on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course.

Tom thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.

About four months later, the banker ran into Tom in town again.

'How's the new wife?’ asked the banker.

Tom proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.'

The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?'

Without hesitating, Tom said, 'She's pregnant too.'

Don't ever underestimate Saskatchewan old guys.