Southern Divorce

April 18, 2016

A judge was interviewing a South Carolina woman regarding her pending divorce and asks, 'What are the grounds for your divorce?'
'About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by.'
'No,' he said, 'I mean what is the foundation of this case?'
'It is made of concrete, brick, and mortar,' she responded.
'I mean,' he continued, 'what are your relations like?'
'I have an aunt and uncle and 12 cousins living here in town, as well as my husband's parents.'
The judge took a deep breath and asked, 'Do you have a real grudge?'
'No, we have a two-car carport and have never really needed one cuz we don't have a car.'
'Please,' he tried again, 'is there any infidelity in your marriage?'
'Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music - all that hip hop and rap tap - but we can't seem to do anything about it.'
'Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?'
'Yes, he gets up every morning before I do and makes the coffee.'
The judge asked, 'Is your husband a nagger?'
'Oh, hell no, he's as white as you and me!'
Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, 'Lady, why in hell do you want a divorce?
'Oh, I don't want a divorce,' she replied.
'I've never wanted a divorce, my husband does.
The damn fool says he can't communicate with me.'

The Talking Centipede

April 15, 2016

A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede,
(100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house..
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, 'Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time.'
But there was no answer from his new pet.
This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, 'How about going to church with me and receive blessings?'
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation.
The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, 'Hey, in there! Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?'

This time, a little voice came out of the box, 'I heard you the first time!
I'm putting my shoes on!'

The Three Other Bears – a groaner

April 14, 2016

The three bears had been having some trouble recently and had ended up in family court.
Mama and Papa bear were splitting up, and baby bear had to decide who he was going to live with.
So, the judge wanted to talk to baby bear to see what he thought about living with either of his parents. When he asked baby bear about living with his father, baby bear said 'No, I can't live with Papa bear, he beats me terribly.'
'OK,' said the judge, 'then you want to live with your mother, right?'
'No way!' replied baby bear, 'She beats me worse than Papa bear does.'
The judge was a bit confused by this, and didn't quite know what to do. 'Well, you have to live with someone, so is there any relatives you would like to stay with?' asked the judge.
'Yes,' answered baby bear, 'my aunt Bertha bear who lives in Chicago.'
'You're sure she will treat you well and won't beat you?' asked the judge.
'Oh definitely,' said baby bear, 'the Chicago Bears don't beat anybody.'

Prostate Exam

April 13, 2016

At my recent Prostate Exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left and the nurse came in.

As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear.... She said....'Who was that guy?'

God to Adam

April 12, 2016

God said, 'Adam, I want you to do something for Me.'
Adam said, 'Gladly, Lord, what do You want me to do?'
God said, 'Go down into that valley.'
Adam said, 'What's a valley?'
God explained it to him.
Then God said, 'Cross the river.'
Adam said, 'What's a river?'
God explained that to him, and then said, 'Go over to the hill.....'
Adam said,
'What is a hill?'
So, God explained to Adam what a hill was. He told Adam, 'On the other side of the hill you will find a cave.'
Adam said, 'What's a cave?'
After God explained, He said, 'In the cave you will find a woman.'
Adam said, 'What's a woman?'
So God explained that to him, too. Then, God said, 'I want you to reproduce.'
Adam said, 'How do I do that?'
God first said (under His breath), 'Geez.....'
And then, just like everything else, God explained that to Adam, as well.
So, Adam goes down into the valley, across the river, and over the hill, into the cave, and finds the woman.
Then, in about five minutes, he was back.
God, His patience wearing thin, said angrily, 'What is it now?'
And Adam said....

(YOU'RE GOING TO LOVE THIS!!!!!!)

'What's a headache?'