Overheard During a Bank Robbery
A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the cashier to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without any hesitation.
He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the cashiers looking straight at him.
The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.
The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'
There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.
Then, one old guy, named frank tentatively raised his hand and said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you'
An Air Canada plane leavesToronto's Pearson Airport under the control of a Jewish captain; his co-pilot is Chinese.
It's the first time they've flown together and an awkward silence between the two seemed to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto-pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, 'I don't like Chinese.'
No rike Chinese?' asks the co-pilot, 'why not?' 'You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that's why!'
'No, no', the co-pilot protests, 'Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.''
Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese ...doesn't matter, you're all alike!'
There's a few minutes of silence.
'I no rike Jews!' the co-pilot suddenly announces.
'Oh yeah, why not?' asks the captain.
'Jews sink Titanic!' says the co-pilot.
'What? You're insane! Jews didn't sink the Titanic!' exclaims the captain, 'It was an iceberg!'
‘Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, ...no mattah ...all fukin same.’
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, British scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 200 years and came to the conclusion that **their** ancestors already had a telephone network more than 150 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the Brit's, in the weeks that followed, an American archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story published in the New York Times: 'American archaeologists, finding traces of 250-year-old copper wire, have concluded that **their** ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network 50 years earlier than the British'.
One week later, Canadian Dept. Of Mines and Resources in Newfoundland reported the following: 'After digging as deep as 30 feet in NE Canada , Jack Lucknow, a self-taught archaeologist, reported that he found absolutely nothing. Jack has therefore concluded that 250 years ago, Canada had already gone wireless.' Just makes you bloody proud to be Canadian, doesn't it?
One day a Group of Bikers
A group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, 'Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?' She says tearfully, 'I'm going to commit suicide!!'
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive,' George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked, 'Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?'
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that, and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, 'Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?'
'My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.'
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Never underestimate old guys
Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.
Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Bob proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Bob said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Never underestimate old guys.