Joke of the Day – Monday, October 12, 2015

October 12, 2015

unnamedgop

Joke of the Day – Friday, October 9, 2015

October 9, 2015

A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.

'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!'
'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him over here with $1,000' the young Arkie says 'and I'll get him in the course.'
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ole' Blue doing son?' his Father asks.
'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'
'Read!?' says his Father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
'Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does'.
'Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'
The Father went white and exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'

The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, then she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President.

Joke of the Day – Thursday, October 8, 2015

October 8, 2015

bong

Joke of the Day – Wednesday, October 7, 2015

October 7, 2015

Important facts to remember as you get older.

  • Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
  • Life is sexually transmitted
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
  • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long

Joke of the Day – Tuesday, October 6, 2015

October 6, 2015

A Mercedes mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a S550 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $250,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'