A Heart Warming Scottish Story

July 12, 2016

A thoughtful Scottish husband was putting his coat and hat on to make his way down to the local pub.
He turned to his wee wife before leaving and said, Maggie - put your hat and coat on, lassie.
She replied, ‘Awe Jock that's nice are you taking me tae the pub with you?'
Nay,’ Jock replied
‘I'm turning the heat off while I'm out.'

Contractors

July 11, 2016

Three contractors were visiting a tourist attraction on the same day. One was from New York, another from Texas, and the third from Florida.
At the end of the tour, the guard asked them what they did for a living. When they all replied that they were contractors, the guard said, 'Hey, we need one of the rear fences redone. Why don't you guys take a look at it and give me a bid?' So, to the back fence they all went to check it out.
First to step up was the Florida contractor. He took out his tape measure and pencil, did some measuring and said, 'Well I figure the job will run about $1,800. $800 for materials, $800 for my crew, and $200 profit for me.'
Next was the Texas contractor. He also took out his tape measure and pencil, did some quick figuring and said, 'Looks like I can do this job for $1,400. $600 for materials, $600 for my crew, and $200 profit for me.'
Without so much as moving, the New York contractor said, '$5,400.'
The guard, incredulous, looked at him and said, 'You didn't even measure like the other guys! How did you come up with such a high figure?'
'Easy,' he said. '$2,000 for me, $2,000 for you and we hire the guy from Texas.'

Ask the Salesman!

July 8, 2016

My husband and I couldn’t decide which jacket to buy our granddaughter, so we asked the young salesman.
“If you were buying a jacket for your girlfriend,” I said, “which would you get?”
“A bulletproof one,” he said. “I’m married.”

Who gets What?

July 7, 2016

Mrs. Applebee, the 6th grade teacher, posed the following problem to one of her math classes:
'A wealthy man dies and leaves ten million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth is to go to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?'
After a very long silence in the classroom, little Carson raised his hand. The teacher called on Carson for his answer. With complete sincerity in his voice, little Carson answered, 'A good lawyer.'

He wondered!

July 6, 2016

As she sat by his hospital bed, with both legs in casts and raised on the pull eyed contraption, , he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what…?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there to support me.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you stayed right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what Martha?”
“What dear?” she gently asked, smiling as her heart filling with warmth.
“I'm beginning to think you're bad luck...”