In a Bar
Two women are sitting in a bar. The first woman says, “And where about in Ireland are ya from?”
The other woman answers, “I'm from Dublin , I am.”
The first one responds, “So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?”
The other woman says, “A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?”
The other woman answers, “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.”
The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?” The other woman answers, “Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.”The first woman exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!”
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, “It's going to be a long night tonight.”
Michael asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
Senior USB Stick
Shortly it will be coming compulsory for senior citizens to carry not only their ID, but also their insurance documents, their prescription list, a compact version of their medical file, the statement declaring if they want to be resuscitated after a heart attack, stroke, etc. etc. Consequently, a lot of paperwork will have to be carried when a senior citizen goes out the front door OR When they Travel!
Specifically for this purpose, a special 'Senior USB Stick' has been developed.
Take a look below...
A teacher asks her students what religious objects they have in their homes.
One boy answers, 'We have a picture of a woman with a halo holding a baby and every day my mother kneels in front of it.'
The next little boy says, 'We have a brass statue of a man seated with crossed legs and a Chinese face, and every day my parents burn an incense stick before it.'
Then a third boy pipes up, 'In the bathroom we have a flat, square box with numbers on it. Every day my mother stands on it first thing in the morning and screams, 'OH MY GOD!!!''
Student Who Obtained 0% on an Exam
I would have given him 100%!
Each answer is absolutely grammatically correct, and funny too. The teacher had no sense of humor.
Q1.. In which battle did Napoleon die?
*His last battle
Q2.. Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
*At the bottom of the page
Q3.. River Ravi flows in which state?
Q4.. What is the main reason for divorce?
Q5.. What is the main reason for failure?
Q6.. What can you never eat for breakfast?
*Lunch & dinner
Q7.. What looks like half an apple?
*The other half
Q8.. If you throw a red stone into the blue sea, what will it become?
Q9.. How can a man go eight days without sleeping?
*No problem, he sleeps at night.
Q10. How can you lift an elephant with one hand?
*You will never find an elephant that has one hand.
Q11. If you had three apples and four oranges in one hand and four apples and three oranges in other hand, what would you have?
*Very large hands
Q12. If it took eight men ten hours to build a wall, how long would it take four men to build it?
*No time at all, the wall is already built.
Q13. How can you drop a raw egg onto a concrete floor without cracking it?
*Any way you want, concrete floors are very hard to crack.
As a bagpiper, I play many gigs. Recently I was asked by a funeral director to play at a graveside service for a homeless man. He had no family or friends, so the service was to be at a pauper's cemetery in the Nova Scotia back country.
As I was not familiar with the backwoods, I got lost and, being a typical man, I didn't stop for directions.
I finally arrived an hour late and saw the funeral guy had evidently gone and the hearse was nowhere in sight. There were only the diggers and crew left and they were eating lunch. I felt badly and apologized to the men for being late.
I went to the side of the grave and looked down and the vault lid was already in place. I didn't know what else to do, so I started to play.
The workers put down their lunches and began to gather around. I played out my heart and soul for this man with no family and friends. I played like I've never played before for this homeless man.
And as I played 'Amazing Grace', the workers began to weep. They wept, I wept, we all wept together.
When I finished, I packed up my bagpipes and started for my car. Though my head was hung low, my heart was full.
As I opened the door to my car, I heard one of the workers say, 'I never seen anything like that before, and I've been putting in septic tanks for twenty years.'
Apparently, I'm still lost ... it's a man thing.