Wine Taster Wanted

March 23, 2016

At a winery, the regular taster died and the director started looking for a new one to hire.
A drunkard with a ragged, dirty look came in to apply for the position.
The director of the winery wondered how to send him away.
He gave him a glass to drink.
The drunk tried it and said, “It's a Muscat, three years old, grown on a north slope, matured in steel containers. Low grade, but acceptable.”
'That's correct', said the boss. Another glass...
“This is a Cabernet, eight years old, a south-western slope, oak barrels, matured at 8 degrees, and requires three more years for finest results.”
A third glass...
'It's a Pinot Blanc Champagne, high grade and exclusive,'' the drunk said calmly.

The director was astonished.
He winked at his secretary, secretly suggesting something.
She left the room, and came back in with a glass of urine.
The alcoholic tried it. 'It's a blonde, 26 years old, three months pregnant and if I don't get the job I'll name the father.”

Travel Warning

March 22, 2016

NYC, government warning was recently issued that anyone traveling in icy or blizzard conditions should take:
- Shovel, blankets or sleeping bag
- Extra clothing including scarf, hat and gloves
- 24 hours supply of food and drink
- A can of de-icer
- 5 lbs of rock salt
- Flashlight with spare batteries
- Road flares and reflective triangles
- Tow rope
- 5 gallons of gas in can
- First aid kit
- Jumper cables

I felt like a complete idiot getting on the bus this morning

IDIOT SIGHTING – They Walk Among us

March 21, 2016

We had to have the garage door repaired.
The Sears repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener.
I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one Sears made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower.
He shook his head and said, 'Lady, you need a 1/4 horsepower.'
I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4.
He said, 'NO, it's not.' Four is larger than two.'

.........We haven't used Sears repair since.


March 18, 2016

My daughter and I went through the McDonald's take-out window and I gave the clerk a $5 bill. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her a quarter. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar bill back. She sighed and went to get the manager, who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the quarter, and said 'We're sorry but we could not do that kind of thing.' The clerk then proceeded to give me back $1 and 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the clerks at McD's.


March 17, 2016

I handed the teller @ my bank a withdrawal slip for $400.00
I said 'May I have large bills, please'.
She looked at me and said 'I'm sorry sir, all the bills are the same size.'

......... When I got up off the floor I explained it to her.