Dear Abby

October 26, 2015

Dear Abby,

My husband is a liar and a cheat. He has cheated on me from the beginning, and, when I confront him, he denies everything. What's worse, everyone knows that he cheats on me. It is so humiliating.
Also, since he lost his job 14 years ago, he hasn't even looked for a new one.
All he does all day is smoke cigars, cruise around and shoot the bull with his buddies, while I have to work to pay the bills.
Since our daughter went away to college he doesn't even pretend to like me, and even hints that I may be a lesbian. What should I do?

Signed: Clueless

Dear Clueless:

Grow up and dump him. You don't need him anymore! Good grief woman, you're running for President of the United States.

Taxpayer Money at Work

October 23, 2015

Researchers for the Massachusetts Turnpike Authority found over 200 dead crows near greater Boston recently, and there was concern that they may have died from Avian Flu.

A Bird Pathologist examined the remains of all the crows, and, to everyone's relief, confirmed the problem was definitely NOT Avian Flu. The cause of death appeared to be vehicular impacts.

However, during the detailed analysis it was noted that varying colors of paints appeared on the bird's beaks and claws.

By analyzing these paint residues it was determined that 98% of the crows had been killed by impact with trucks, while only 2% were killed by an impact with a car.

MTA then hired an Ornithological Behaviorist to determine if there was a cause for the disproportionate percentages of truck kills versus car kills.

He very quickly concluded the cause: When crows eat road kill, they always have a look-out crow in a nearby tree to warn of impending danger.

They discovered that while all the lookout crows could shout 'Cah', not a single one could shout 'Truck.'

She Tried Her Best

October 22, 2015

God visited a single woman and told her she must give up smoking, drinking and sex if she wants to get into heaven.

The woman said she would try her best.

God visited the woman a week later to see how she was getting on.

'Not bad' said the woman, 'I've given up smoking and drinking but then I bent over to get some stuff out of the freezer and my boyfriend caught sight of my long slender legs, he pulled up my skirt, pulled my knickers to one side and made love to me right then and there.'

'They don't like that in heaven, said God.

The woman replied: 'They're not too happy about it in Costco either!'

The Wedding Dress

October 21, 2015

Jennifer's wedding day was fast approaching.

Nothing could dampen her excitement - not even her parent's nasty divorce.

Her mother had found the PERFECT dress to wear, and would be the best-dressed mother-of-the-bride ever!

A week later, Jennifer was horrified to learn that her father's new, young wife had bought the exact same dress as her mother!

Jennifer asked her father's new young wife to exchange it, but she refused.

'Absolutely not! I look like a million bucks in this dress, and I'm wearing it,' she replied.

Jennifer told her mother who graciously said, ''Never mind sweetheart.

I'll get another dress. After all, it's your special day.''

A few days later, they went shopping, and did find another gorgeous dress for her mother.

When they stopped for lunch, Jennifer asked her mother,

''Aren't you going to return the other dress?

You really don't have another occasion where you could wear it..'

Her mother just smiled and replied,

''Of course I do, dear.....I'm wearing it to the rehearsal dinner the night BEFORE the wedding.''

Overheard During a Bank Robbery

October 20, 2015

A hooded robber burst into a bank and forced the cashier to load a sack full of cash. On his way out the door, a brave customer grabbed the hood and pulled it off, revealing the robber's face. The robber shot the customer without any hesitation.

He then looked around the bank and noticed one of the cashiers looking straight at him.

The robber instantly shot him also. Everyone in the bank, by now very scared, looked intently down at the floor in silence.

The robber yelled, 'Well, did anyone else see my face?'

There are a few moments of utter silence in which everyone was plainly too afraid to speak.

Then, one old guy, named frank tentatively raised his hand and said, 'My wife got a pretty good look at you'