Joke of the Day – Wednesday, August 5, 2015
I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can't afford one. So I'm wearing my garage door opener.
When people see a cat's litter box they always say, 'Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, 'No, it's for company!'
Employment application blanks always ask who is to be called in case of an emergency. I think you should write, 'An ambulance.'
Birds of a feather flock together . . . .and then crap on your car.
The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Did you ever notice: When you put the 2 words 'The' and 'IRS' together it spells 'Theirs...'
Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.
Your Caretaker Calls …. and
At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, Senor Rod? This is Ernesto, the caretaker at your country house.'
'Ah yes, Ernesto. What can I do for you? Is there a problem?'
'Um, I am just calling to advise you, Senor Rod, that your parrot, he is dead'
'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the International competition?'
'Si, Senor, that's the one.'
'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune on that bird. What did he die from?'
'From eating the rotten meat, Senor Rod.'
'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten meat?'
'Nobody, Senor. He ate the meat of the dead horse.'
'Dead horse? What dead horse?'
'The thoroughbred, Senor Rod.'
'My prize thoroughbred is dead?'
'Yes Senor Rod, he died from all that work pulling the water cart.'
'Are you insane?? What water cart?'
'The one we used to put out the fire, Senor.'
'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about, man??'
'The one at your house, Senor! A candle fell and the curtains caught on fire.'
'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is destroyed because of a candle? !!'
'Yes, Senor Rod.'
'But there's electricity at the house! What was the candle for?'
'For the funeral, Senor Rod.'
'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'
'Your wife's, Senor Rod', she showed up very late one night and I thought she was a thief, so I hit her with your new tailor made R580 XD golf club.'
SILENCE . .. . . . . .. . . LONG SILENCE . . .. . . . . ...
'Ernesto, if you broke that driver, you're fired
How To Install A Home Security System
- Go to a second hand store and buy a pair of men's used size 14-16 work boots.
- Place them on your front porch, along with a copy of Guns & Ammo Magazine.
- Put a few giant dog dishes next to the boots and magazines.
- Leave a note on your door that reads:
Bertha, Duke, Rocky, & I went for more ammo and beer. Be back in an hour. Don't mess with the pit bulls; they attacked the mailman this morning and messed him up bad. I don't think Killer took part, but it was hard to tell from all the blood. Anyway, I locked all four of 'em in the house.
Better wait outside. Be right back.
The ABC’s of Marriage
After being married for 25 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her carefully, then said, 'You are A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K.'
'What does that mean?' she asked suspiciously.
He said, 'Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Foxy, Gorgeous and Hot!'
She beamed at him happily and said: 'Oh, that's so lovely! But what about I, J and K?'
'I'm Just Kidding!'
(The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctors are fairly optimistic about saving his genitals).