Grandpa & the IRS
The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me Fifty Thousand Dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.
'Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you? '
'Hello Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?'
Heard In the Friars Barbershop
A member walked in to the Friars club barbershop for his monthly haircut. As he snips away, Luigi asks what’s up.'
The man proceeds to explain he's taking a vacation to Rome. 'ROME?!' Luigi says, 'Why would you want to go there? It's a crowded dirty city full of Italians! You'd be crazy to go to Rome! So how ya getting there?'
'We're taking TWA,' the man replies.
'TWA?!' yells Luigi. 'They're a terrible airline. Their planes are old, their flight attendants are ugly and they're always late! So where you staying in Rome?'
The man says 'We'll be at the downtown International Marriot.'
'That DUMP?!' says Luigi. 'That's the worst hotel in the city! The rooms are small, the service is surly and slow and they're overpriced! So whatcha doing when you get there?'
The man says 'We're going to go see the Vatican and hope to see the Pope.'
'HA! That's rich!' laughs Luigi. 'You and a million other people trying to see him. He'll look the size of an ant. Boy, good luck on THIS trip. You're going to need it!'
A month later, the man comes in for his regular haircut. Luigi says, 'Well, how did that trip to Rome turn out? Betcha United gave you the worst flight of your life!'
'No, quite the opposite' explained the man. 'Not only were we on time in one of their brand new planes, but it was full and they bumped us up to first class. The food and wine were wonderful, and I had a beautiful 28 year old flight attendant who waited on me hand and foot!'
'Well, I bet the hotel was just like I described.' 'No, quite the opposite! They'd just finished a $25 million remodeling. It's the finest hotel in Rome, now. They were overbooked, so they apologized and gave us the Presidential suite for no extra charge!'
'Well,' Luigi mumbles, 'I KNOW you didn't get to see the Pope!'
'Actually, we were quite lucky. As we toured the Vatican, a Swiss guard tapped me on the shoulder and explained the Pope likes to personally meet some of the visitors, and if I'd be so kind as to step into this private room and wait, the Pope would personally greet me. Sure enough, after 5 minutes the Pope walked through the door and shook my hand. I knelt down as he spoke a few words to me.'
Impressed, Luigi asks, 'Tell me, please! What'd he say?'
'Oh, not much really. Just 'Where'd you get that lousy haircut?'
Beer – Profound thoughts
Sometimes, after playing golf, I reflect on all the beer I drink, I feel ashamed. Then I look into the glass and I think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams would be shattered. I think, 'It is better to drink this beer and let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver.' - Babe Ruth
'I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.' - Winston Churchill
'When I read about the evils of drinking after golfing I gave up reading.' - Paul Horning
'24 hours in a day, 24 beers in a case. Coincidence? I think not.' - H. L. Mencken
' When we drink, we get drunk. When we get drunk, we fall asleep. When we fall asleep, we commit no sin. When we commit no sin, we go to heaven. So, let's all get drunk and go to heaven!' - George Bernard Shaw
'Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.' - Benjamin Franklin
'Without question, the greatest invention in the history of mankind is beer. Oh, I grant you that the wheel was also a fine invention, but the wheel does not go nearly as well with pizza.' - Dave Barry
'BEER: HELPING UGLY PEOPLE HAVE SEX SINCE 3000 B.C.!' - W.C. Fields
Lawyer Stories – #34 of 760,004
The Salvation Army realized that it had never received a donation from the city's most successful lawyer.
So a volunteer paid the lawyer a visit in his lavish office.
The volunteer opened the meeting by saying, 'Our research shows that even though your annual income is over two million dollars, you don't give a penny to charity. Wouldn't you like to give something back to your community?.
The lawyer thinks for a minute and says, 'First, did your research also show you that my mother is dying after a long painful illness, and she has huge medical bills that are far beyond her ability to pay?'
Embarrassed, the rep mumbles, 'Uh... No, I didn't know that.'
'Secondly,' says the lawyer, 'did it show that my brother, a disabled Veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair and is unable to support his wife and six children?
The stricken rep begins to stammer an apology, but is cut off again
'Thirdly, did your research also show you that my sister's husband died in a dreadful car accident, leaving her penniless with a mortgage and three children, one of whom is disabled and another that has learning disabilities requiring an array of private tutors?'
The humiliated rep, completely beaten, says, 'I'm so sorry. I had no idea.
And the lawyer says, 'So, if I didn't give any money to them, what makes you think I'd give any to you?