Joke of the Day – Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Lloyd came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
'You died in your sleep, Lloyd.' Lloyd was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Lloyd was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Lloyd the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Lloyd.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
'Lloyd, wake up! You pooped in the bed!'
Getting old just isn't what they said it would be.
Joke of the Day – Monday, October 12, 2015
Joke of the Day – Friday, October 9, 2015
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!'
'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him over here with $1,000' the young Arkie says 'and I'll get him in the course.'
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ole' Blue doing son?' his Father asks.
'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'
'Read!?' says his Father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
'Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does'.
'Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'
The Father went white and exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, then she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President.
Joke of the Day – Thursday, October 8, 2015
Joke of the Day – Wednesday, October 7, 2015
Important facts to remember as you get older.
- Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
- Life is sexually transmitted
- Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
- Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
- Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
- All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
- In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
- Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long