A Good Wife

November 13, 2015

A woman was enjoying a good game of golf with her girlfriends. 'Oh, no!' she suddenly exclaimed. 'Look at the time! I have to rush home and fix dinner for my husband. He'll be so annoyed if it's not ready on time.'

When she got home, she discovered all she had in the fridge was a wilted lettuce leaf, an egg and a can of cat food. With no time to go to the supermarket, she opened the can of cat food, stirred in the egg and garnished it with the lettuce leaf.

She greeted her husband warmly when he came home, and then watched in horror as he sat down to his dinner.

To her surprise, he seemed to be enjoying it. 'Darling, this is the best dinner you've made me in 40 years of marriage! You can make this for me any day.'

Needless to say, every golf day from then on, the woman made her husband the same dish.

She told her golf partners about it and they were all horrified. “You're going to kill him!' they exclaimed.

Two months later, her husband died.

The women were sitting around the clubhouse, and one of them said, 'You killed him! We told you that feeding him cat food every week would do him in! How can you just sit there so calmly knowing you murdered your husband?'

The wife stoically replied, 'I didn't kill him. He fell off the window sill while he was licking his butt!'

From The Blonde Files – The Dangers of Ironing

A Blonde had two red ears, and so went to the doctor.
The doctor asked her what happened to her ears?

'Well, I was ironing me shirt and the phone rang
. . . and instead of picking up the phone, I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck on my ear.'

'Oh Dear!' The doctor exclaimed in disbelief.
'But . . . that doesn't explain the other red ear.

What happened to your other ear?'
The guy called back.'

Responses to Use With Telemarketers Part 2

November 12, 2015

11. Answer the phone. As soon as you realize it is a Telemarketer, set the receiver down, scream, 'Oh my God!' and then hang up.
12. Tell the Telemarketer you are busy at the moment and ask him/her if he/she will give you his/her home phone number so you can call him/her back. When the Telemarketer explains that telemarketers cannot give out their home numbers say, 'I guess you don't want anyone bothering you at home, right?' The Telemarketer will agree and you say, 'Me either!' Hang up.
13. Ask them to repeat everything they say, several times.
14. Tell them it is dinner time, but ask if they would please hold. Put them on your speaker phone while you continue to eat at your leisure. Smack your food loudly and continue with your dinner conversation.
15. Tell the Telemarketer you are on 'home incarceration' and ask if they could bring you some beer.
16. Ask them to fax the information to you, and make up a number.
17. Tell the Telemarketer, 'Okay, I'll listen to you. But I should probably tell you, I'm not wearing any clothes.'
18. Insist that the caller is really your buddy Leon, playing a joke. 'Come on, Leon, cut it out! Seriously, Leon, how's your momma?'
19. Tell them you are hard of hearing and that they need to speak up . . . louder . . . louder . . .
20. Tell them to talk very slowly, because you want to write every word down.
NOTICE: The above have all been tested and approved for use on telemarketers. No Telemarketers were harmed in the testing.

Responses to Use With Telemarketers Part 1

November 11, 2015

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, 'How are you today?' say, 'I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . '
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: 'Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. ' You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, 'What are you wearing?'
5. Cry out in surprise, 'Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?' Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say 'No' over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. Sing in an operatic voice if possible. Or a 'Tiny Tim' falsetto. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, 'I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?'
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: 'Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?'
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

Size Matters

November 10, 2015

Women's response to:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches- I've had bigger than it.
5 inches- Good , but I wish a bit bigger!
6 inches - perfect.
7 inches - Love it.
8 inches - Wow ! but can't have it all.
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of:

Subway Sandwiches !

But I love the way you think!... and this is why I worry about you ...