Crackerjack Service Department..

January 27, 2016

It takes a college degree to fly a plane, but only a high school diploma to fix one; that's reassurance for us passengers

After every flight, UPS pilots fill out a form, called a ‘gripe sheet,’ which tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft.
The mechanics correct the problems, and document their repairs on the form,

Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor.
Here are some actual maintenance complaints submitted by UPS pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.

P: Something loose in cockpit
S: Something tightened in cockpit

P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on back-order.

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what friction locks are for.

P: IFF inoperative in OFF mode.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.

P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.

P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search

P: Aircraft handles funny. (I love this one!)
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right and be serious.

P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.

P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
And the best one for last

P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from the midget

By the way, UPS is the only major airline carrier that has never, ever, had an  accident....

A Neighbors Dilemma

January 26, 2016

One winter day, Fred's neighbor Sam, came up to Fred's door and started pounding on it.
Fred answered the door. 'Sam, what's up?' he said.
Sam angrily replied, 'That no good son of yours has been peeing in thesnow in my yard!'
Fred asked, 'How do you know it was my son?'
Sam answered, 'He wrote his name in pee!'
'Okay,' Fred replied. 'I'll talk to him about it, but I have to say, I don't see what the big deal is. It's just pee in the snow.

Why are you so fired up about it?'
Sam snapped back, 'It's in my daughter's handwriting!'

A Heartwarming Family Story

January 25, 2016

During the Blizzard this past weekend
I stayed home and spent time with my family.

.......... They seem like nice people

Elk Sex…

January 22, 2016

Elk Sex...

Two guys are drinking in a bar.
One says, 'Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?'
Aww, sh*t!' says his friend, 'and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!'

2 Quotes from W.C. Fields

January 21, 2016

When asked if he believed in clubs for women fields answered:
Yes, if every other form of persuasion fail.

On Water:
I never drink water; it's the stuff that rusts pipes and fish Fu*ck in it