Best Reason to See a Therapist
An Arizona couple, both well into their 80's, go to a sex therapist's office.
The doctor asks, 'What can I do for you?'
The man says, 'Will you watch us have sexual intercourse?'
The doctor raises both eyebrows, but he is so amazed that such an elderly couple is asking for sexual advice that he agrees.
When the couple finishes, the doctor says, 'There's absolutely nothing wrong with the way you have intercourse..'
He thanks them for coming, wishes them good luck, charges them $50 and says good bye doctor
The next week, the same couple returns and asks the sex therapist to watch again. The sex therapist is a bit puzzled, but agrees.
This happens several weeks in a row. The couple makes an appointment, has intercourse with no problems, pays the doctor, then leaves.
Finally, after 3 months of this routine, the doctor says, 'I'm sorry, but I have to ask. Just what are you trying to find out?'
The man says, 'We're not trying to find out anything. She's married; so we can't go to her house. I'm married; and we can't go to my house.
The Holiday Inn charges $98.
The Hilton charges $139.
We do it here for $50, and best of all....
Medicare pays $43 of it.'
The Priest and the Cabbie
A priest and a cab driver went to heaven.
The priest was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house.
The cab driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds.
The priest asked St. Peter, 'Hey I was a priest, how come I don't get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?'
St. Peter said, 'We go by results. During your sermons people slept, during his cab rides people prayed.'
Text to the Neighbor
A guy sends a text to his next-door neighbor:
'Bob, I'm sorry. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess: I have been helping myself to your wife when you're not around, probably more than you. I know it's no excuse but I don't get it at home. I can't live with the guilt any longer. I hope you'll accept my sincerest apology. It won't happen again.'
Feeling outrage and betrayed, Bob grabs his gun, goes into the bedroom, and without a word, shoots his wife.
Moments later the guy gets a second text: 'Really should use spell check! That should be 'wifi'.'
Son wants to get Married
Son: Dad, I want to get married.
Father: First, tell me you're sorry.
Son: For what?
Father: Say sorry.
Son: But for what ? What did I do?
Father: Just say sorry.
Son: But...what have i done wrong ?
Father: Say sorry!
Father: Say sorry!!
Son: Please, just tell me why?
Father: Say sorry!!!
Son: OK, Dad...i'm sorry!
Father: There ! You're finished training. When you learn to say sorry for no reason at all, then you're ready to get married!
Names for Various Animal Groups
The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals.
We are all familiar with a
Herd of cows,
Flock of chickens,
School of fish
And a Gaggle of geese, and
A Pride of lions.
However, less widely known is:
A Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens),
An Exaltation of doves
Now consider a group of Baboons.
They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates ...
And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?
Believe it or not
A CONGRESS !
YEP... A CONGRESS OF SILLY BABOONS!
Pretty much explains everything doesn't it?
... You just can’t make this up.