One says, 'Did you know that Elks have sex 10 to 15 times a day?'
Aww, sh*t!' says his friend, 'and I just joined the Knights of Columbus!'
2 Quotes from W.C. Fields
When asked if he believed in clubs for women fields answered:
Yes, if every other form of persuasion fail.
I never drink water; it's the stuff that rusts pipes and fish Fu*ck in it
A Husband and Wife had a fight.
Wife called her Mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to you.
Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake.
............. I am coming to stay with you!
An Important Anatomy Study
“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.
After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.
When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.
They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”
The Best Duck Story Ever
A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says, 'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' Exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' Says the duck.
'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' Explains the duck. 'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,'
Says the duck.
'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' Says the barman.
'The circus?' Repeats the duck.
'That's right,' Replies the barman.
'The circus?' The duck asks again. with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
'What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!