Just the facts and the new CEO
If you've ever worked for a boss who reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this!
A steel company, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.
The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers.
On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.
He asked the guy, 'How much money do you make a week?' A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, 'I make $400 a week. Why?'
The CEO said, 'Wait right here.' He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, 'Here's four weeks' pay. ......... Now GET OUT and don't come back.'
Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked,
'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
From across the room a voice said, 'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'
The Buffalo Theory – Your Brain and Beer
A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And when the heard is hunted, it is the lowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first.
This natural selection is good for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members.
In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells.
Now, as we know, excessive intake of alcohol kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakest brain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.
And that is why you always feel smarter after a few beers.
Top Ten Country & Western Songs
10. I Hate Every Bone In Her Body But Mine.
9. I Ain't Never Gone To Bed With an Ugly Woman, But I Sure Woke Up With A Few.
8. If The Phone Don't Ring, You'll Know It’s Me
7. I've Missed You, But My Aim's Improvin’.
6. I Wouldn't Take Her To A Dogfight 'Cause I'm Scared She'd Win
5. I'm So Miserable Without You, It's Like You're Still Here.
4. My Wife Ran Off With My Best Friend And I Miss Him.
3. She Took My Ring and Gave Me the Finger.
2. She's Lookin' Better with Every Beer.
And the number one Country & Western song
1. It's Hard To Kiss The Lips At Night
.......That Chewed My Ass All Day
Paraprosdokians are figures of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected and is frequently humorous.
1. Where there's a will, I want to be in it,
2. The last thing I want to do is hurt you ... but it's still on my list.
3. Since light travels faster than sound, some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
4. If I agreed with you, we'd both be wrong.
5. We never really grow up -- we only learn how to act in public.
6. War does not determine who is right, only who is left.
7. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
8. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
9. I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
10. In filling out an application, where it says, 'In case of emergency, notify...' I answered 'a doctor.'
11. Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
12. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
13. I used to be indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
14. To be sure of hitting the target, shoot first and call whatever you hit the target.
15. Going to church doesn't make you a Christian, any more than standing in a garage makes you a car.
16. You're never too old to learn something stupid.