Prime Minister Day
I was eating breakfast with my teenaged Granddaughter and I asked her, What special day is it in Canada tomorrow?' . Without skipping a beat she said, 'It's Prime Minister Day!' . She's smart, so I asked her, 'What does Prime Minister Day mean?' .
I was waiting for something about the Trudeau's or Harper etc. She replied, 'Prime Minister Day is when the Prime Minister steps out of the Prime Minister's Mansion, and if he sees his shadow, we have 4 more years of Bull Shit.'
You know, it hurts when hot coffee spurts out your nose.
Paddy has an Accident
A farmer named Paddy had a car accident. He was hit by a truck owned by the Eversweet Company.
In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Paddy.
'Didn't you say to the police at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.
Paddy responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I'd just loaded my fav'rit cow, Bessie, into da... '
'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'
Paddy said, 'Well, I'd just got Bessie into da trailer and I was drivin' down da road..... '
The solicitor interrupted again and said,'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine. Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client. I believe he is a fraud. Please tell him to simply answer the question. '
By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Paddy's answer and said to the solicitor:
'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.
Paddy thanked the Judge and proceeded.
'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my fav'rit cow, into de trailer and was drivin' her down de road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came tundering tru a stop sign and hit me trailer right in da side. I was trown into one ditch and Bessie was trown into da udder. By Jaysus I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move. However, I could hear old Bessie moanin' and groanin'. I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after da accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moanin' and groanin' too, so he went over to her. After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes.
Den da policeman came across de road, gun still in hand, looked at me, and said, 'How are you feelin'?'
..........'Now wot would you say?'
Only weeks after leaving office on January 20, 2017, former President Barak Obama discovered a leak under his sink, so he called Troy the Plumber to come out and fix it.
Troy drove to President Obama's new house, which is located in a very exclusive, gated community near Chicago, where all the residents have a net income of way more than $250,000 per year.
Troy arrived and took his tools into the house. He was led to the guest bathroom that contained the leaky pipe under the sink. Troy assessed the problem and told Obama that it was an easy repair & that will take less than 10 minutes. Obama asked Troy how much it will cost. Troy checked his rate chart and said, '$9,500.'
'What?! $9,500?!' Obama asked, stunned, 'But you said it's an easy repair. Michelle will whip me if I pay a plumber that much!'
Troy said, 'Yes, but what I do is charge those who make more than $250,000 per year a much higher amount so I can fix the plumbing of poorer people for free. This has always been my philosophy. As a matter of fact, I lobbied the Democrat Congress, who passed this philosophy into law. Now all plumbers must do business this way. It's known as the 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'. I'm surprised you haven't heard of it.'
In spite of that, Obama told Troy there's no way he's paying that much for a small plumbing repair, so Troy left. Obama spent the next hour flipping through the phone book calling for another plumber, but he found that all other plumbing businesses in the area have gone out of business. Not wanting to pay Troy's price, Obama does nothing and the leak goes un-repaired for several more days. A week later the leak is so bad President Obama has had to put a bucket under the sink.
Michelle is not happy as she had Oprah and guests arriving the next morning. The bucket filled up quickly and had to be emptied every hour, and there was a risk the room will flood, so Obama called Troy and pleaded with him to return.
Troy went back to Obama's house, looked at the leaky pipe, checked his new rate chart and said, 'Let's see, this will now cost you $21,000.'
Obama quickly fired back, 'What? A few days ago you told me it would cost $9,500!'
Troy explained, 'Well, because of the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' a lot of wealthier people are learning how to maintain and take care of their own plumbing, so there are fewer payers in the plumbing exchanges. As a result, the price I have to charge wealthy people like you keeps rising. Not only that, but for some reason the demand for plumbing work by those who get it for free has skyrocketed! There's a long waiting list of those who need repairs, but the amount we get doesn't cover our costs, especially paperwork and record-keeping. This unfortunately has put a lot of my fellow plumbers out of business, they're not being replaced, and nobody is going into the plumbing business because they know they can't make any money at it. I'm hurting too, all thanks to greedy rich people like you who won't pay their 'fair share'. On the other hand, why didn't you buy plumbing insurance last December? If you had bought plumbing insurance available under the 'Affordable Plumbing Act,' all this would have been covered by your policy.'
'You mean I wouldn't have to pay anything to have you fix my plumbing problem?' asks Obama.
'Well, not exactly,' replied Troy. 'You would have had to buy the insurance before the deadline, which has passed now. And, because you're rich, you would have had to pay $34,000 in premiums, which would have given you a 'silver' plan, and then, since this would have been your first repair, you would have to pay up to the $21,000 deductible, and anything over that would have a $7,500 co-pay, and then there's the mandatory maintenance program, which is covered up to 17.5%, so there are some costs involved. Nothing is for free.'
'WHAT?!' exclaimed Obama. 'Why so much for a puny sink leak?!'
With a bland look, Troy replied, 'Well, paperwork, mostly, like I said. And the internal cost of the program itself. You don't think a program of this complexity and scope can run itself, do you? Besides, there are millions of folks with lower incomes than you, even many in the 'middle class', who qualify for subsidies that people like you must support. That's why they call it the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'! Only people who don't make much money can afford it. If you want affordable plumbing, you'll have to give away most of what you have accumulated and cut your and Michelle's income by about 90%. Then you can qualify to GET your 'Fair Share' instead of GIVING it.'
'But who would pass a crazy act like the 'Affordable Plumbing Act'?!' exclaimed the exasperated Obama.
After a sigh, Troy replied, 'Congress ... because they didn't read it.'
And here you have it, the 'Affordable Plumbing Act of 2014'.
Public Cell Phone Cure
After a tiring day, a commuter settled down in her seat and closed her eyes. As the train rolled out of the station, the guy sitting next to her pulled out his cell phone and started talking in a loud voice: 'Hi sweetheart. It's Eric. I'm on the train'.
'Yes, I know it's the six thirty and not the four thirty, but I had a long meeting'. 'No, honey, not with that blonde from the accounts office. It was with the boss'.
'No sweetheart, you're the only one in my life'.
'Yes, I'm sure, cross my heart'
Fifteen minutes later, he was still talking loudly.
When the young woman sitting next to him had enough, she leaned over and said into the phone,
'Eric, hang up the phone and come back to bed.'
Eric doesn't use his cell phone in public any longer.
Hi Bill, This is Alan next door. I'm sorry buddy, but I have a confession to make to you. I've been riddled with guilt these past few months and have been trying to get up the courage to tell you to your face, but I am at least now telling in text as I can't live with myself a moment longer without you knowing. The truth is, I have been sharing your wife, day and night, when you're not around. In fact, probably more than you. I haven't been getting it at home recently, but that's no excuse I know. The temptation was just too much... I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies and forgive me. I promise that it won't happen again. Please come up with a fee for usage, and I'll pay you. Regards, Alan.
Bill, feeling insulted and betrayed, grabbed his gun, and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home where he poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa. He took out his phone where he saw he has a subsequent message from his neighbor.
THE SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Bill, This is Alan next door again. Sorry about the slight typo on my last text. I know you'll figured it out anyway, but I'm sure you noticed that my auto correct changed 'WiFi' To 'Wife'. Technology hey?!? Hope you saw the funny side of that. Regards, Alan.