Joke of the Day – Wednesday, October 7, 2015

October 7, 2015

Important facts to remember as you get older.

  • Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
  • Life is sexually transmitted
  • Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die
  • Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
  • Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital dying of nothing.
  • All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
  • In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
  • Don't worry about old age; it doesn't last that long

Joke of the Day – Tuesday, October 6, 2015

October 6, 2015

A Mercedes mechanic was removing a cylinder head from the motor of a S550 when he spotted a well-known cardiologist in his shop.

The cardiologist was there waiting for the service manager to come and take a look at his car when the mechanic shouted across the garage, 'Hey Doc, want to take a look at this?'

The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked over to where the mechanic was working.

The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and asked, 'So Doc, look at this engine. I opened its heart, took the valves out, repaired or replaced anything damaged, and then put everything back in, and when I finished, it worked just like new. So how is it that I make $48,000 a year and you make $250,000 when you and I are doing basically the same work?'

The cardiologist paused, leaned over and whispered to the mechanic, 'Try doing it with the engine running.'

Joke of the Day – Monday, October 5, 2015

October 5, 2015

It takes your food seven seconds to get from your mouth to your stomach.
One human hair can support 6.6 pounds.
The average man's penis is two times the length of his thumb.
Human thighbones are stronger than concrete.
A woman's heart beats faster than a man's.
There are about one trillion bacteria on each of your feet.
Women blink twice as often as men.
The average person's skin weighs twice as much as the brain.
Your body uses 300 muscles to balance itself when you are standing still.

Women will be finished reading this by now.
Men are still busy checking their thumbs.

Joke of the Day – Monday, September 28, 2015

September 28, 2015

You Had One Job!

Joke of the Day – Friday, September 25, 2015

September 25, 2015

They weren't in my pockets. Suddenly I realized I must have left them in the car. Frantically, I headed for the parking lot. My husband has scolded me many times for leaving my keys in the car's ignition. He's afraid that the car could be stolen. As I looked around the parking lot, I realized he was right. The parking lot was empty. I immediately called the police. I gave them my location, confessed that I had left my keys in the car, and that it had been stolen.

Then I made the most difficult call of all to my husband:'I left my keys in the car and it's been stolen.'

There was a moment of silence. I thought the call had been disconnected, but then I heard his voice.'Are you kidding me?' he barked, 'I dropped you off!'

Now it was my turn to be silent. Embarrassed, I said, 'Well, come and get me.'

He retorted,'I will, as soon as I convince this cop that I didn't steal your damn car!'

Welcome to the golden years...