One day a Group of Bikers
A group of bikers were riding west on I-74 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Murray Baker Bridge So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, 'Hey Baby, whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?' She says tearfully, 'I'm going to commit suicide!!'
While he didn't want to appear 'sensitive,' George also didn't want to miss this 'be-a-legend' opportunity either so he asked, 'Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe, why don't you give ole George here your best last kiss?'
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that, and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, 'Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had, Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?'
'My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl.'
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
Never underestimate old guys
Mark, The banker, saw his old Nebraska friend Bob, an eighty-year old rancher, in town.
Bob had lost his wife a year or so before and rumor had it that he was marrying a 'mail order' bride. Being a good friend, the banker asked Bob if the rumor was true. Bob assured him that it was. The banker then asked Bob the age of his new bride to be.
Bob proudly said, 'She'll be twenty-one in November.'
Now the banker, being the wise man that he was, could see that the sexual appetite of a young woman could not be satisfied by an eighty-year- old man. Wanting his old friend's remaining years to be happy the banker tactfully suggested that Bob should consider getting a hired hand to help him out on the ranch, knowing nature would take its own course. Bob thought this was a good idea and said he would look for one that afternoon.
About four months later, the banker ran into Bob in town again. 'How's the new wife?', asked the banker. Bob proudly said, 'Good - she's pregnant.' The banker, happy that his sage advice had worked out, continued, 'And how's the hired hand?' Bob said, 'She's pregnant too.'
Never underestimate old guys.
Joke of the Day – Tuesday, October 13, 2015
Lloyd came home one night from a long day at work, slid into bed beside his sleeping wife, and fell into a deep slumber.
He awoke before the Pearly Gates, where St. Peter said,
'You died in your sleep, Lloyd.' Lloyd was stunned. 'I'm dead? No, I can't be!
I've got too much to live for. Send me back!' St. Peter said, 'I'm sorry, but there's only one way you can go back, and that is as a chicken.' Lloyd was devastated, but begged St. Peter to send him to a farm near his home. The next thing he knew, he was covered with feathers, clucking and pecking the ground. A rooster strolled past. 'So, you're the new hen, huh? How's your first day here?'
'Not bad,' replied Lloyd the hen, 'but I have this strange feeling inside. Like I'm gonna explode!' 'You're ovulating,' explained the rooster. 'Don't tell me you've never laid an egg before?' 'Never,' said Lloyd.
'Well, just relax and let it happen,' says the rooster. 'It's no big deal. He did, and a few uncomfortable seconds later, out popped an egg! He was overcome with emotion as he experienced motherhood. He soon laid another egg - his joy was overwhelming.
As he was about to lay his third egg, he felt a smack on the back of his head, and heard.....
'Lloyd, wake up! You pooped in the bed!'
Getting old just isn't what they said it would be.
Joke of the Day – Monday, October 12, 2015
Joke of the Day – Friday, October 9, 2015
A young Arkie goes off to college. Half way through the semester, having foolishly squandered all of his money on his girlfriend, he calls home.
'Dad,' he says, 'You won't believe what modern education is developing! They actually have a program here at Hendrix that will teach our dog, Ole' Blue how to talk!'
'That's amazing,' his Dad says. 'How do I get Ole' Blue in that program?'
'Just send him over here with $1,000' the young Arkie says 'and I'll get him in the course.'
So, his Father sends the dog and $1,000.
About two-thirds of the way through the semester, the money again runs out. The boy calls home.
'So how's Ole' Blue doing son?' his Father asks.
'Awesome, Dad, he's talking up a storm,' he says, 'but you just won't believe this -- they've had such good results they have started to teach the animals how to read!'
'Read!?' says his Father, 'No kidding! How do we get Blue in that program?'
'Just send $2,500, I'll get him in the class.'
The money promptly arrives. The Arkie and his girlfriend are able to buy enough marijuana to last the whole semester. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his Father will find out the dog can neither talk, nor read. Even though he was always pretty much able to lie his way out of trouble, the Arkie asked his girlfriend to help him think of a really good lie to tell his Dad. She very quickly came up with a plan for him.
So she has him shoot the dog.
When he arrives home at the end of the year, his Father is all excited.
'Where's Ole' Blue? I just can't wait to see him read something and talk!'
'Dad,' the boy says, 'I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home, Ole' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal, like he usually does'.
'Then Ole' Blue turned to me and asked, so, is your Daddy still messing around with that little redhead who lives down the street?'
The Father went white and exclaimed, 'I hope you shot that lying dog before he talks to your Mother!'
'I sure did, Dad!'
'That's my boy!'
The kid married his girlfriend, they both went on to law school in Fayetteville, he became Governor of Arkansas and President of the United States, then she was appointed Secretary of State and is now running for President.