From the Blonde files #4,654,452
A blond has become dreadfully overweight.
She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet.
'I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
Next time I see you, you'll probably be 5 pounds lighter.'
The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds.
'That's amazing!' Said the doctor, 'and you followed my instructions?'
The blond nods, tiredly. 'I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.'
'From hunger, you mean?' Asked her doctor.
'No, silly, from the skipping!'
A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
Husband: 'Sukitaki. Mojitaka!'
Wife replies: 'Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!'
Husband says angrily: 'Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!'
Wife, on her knees, literally begging: 'Mimi Nakoundinda tinkouji!'
Husband shouts angrily: 'Na miaou kina Tim kouji!'
I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this!
You don’t know any Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex....
Sometimes I worry about you and think your in need of serious help!
Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'
Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course, we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism?'
Jacob: 'How about suppositories?'
Pharmacist: 'You bet!'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Jacob: 'Everything for heartburn and indigestion?'
Pharmacist: 'We sure do.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob: 'Adult diapers?'
.............Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'
Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
'WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN'...
Husband texts back:
'GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER'......
Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
.........'LAPTOP REALLY MESSED UP NOW.'