From the Blonde files #4,654,452

March 30, 2016

A blond has become dreadfully overweight.
She goes to the doctor and he decides to put her on a diet.
'I want you to eat normally for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks.
Next time I see you, you'll probably be 5 pounds lighter.'
The blonde returns after 2 weeks, but upon weighing her it turns out she lost 20 pounds.
'That's amazing!' Said the doctor, 'and you followed my instructions?'
The blond nods, tiredly. 'I'll tell you, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day.'
'From hunger, you mean?' Asked her doctor.
'No, silly, from the skipping!'

Japanese Sex

March 29, 2016

A Japanese couple is arguing about how to perform highly erotic sex.
Husband: 'Sukitaki. Mojitaka!'
Wife replies: 'Kowanini! Mowi janakpa!'
Husband says angrily: 'Toka a anji rodi roumi yakoo!'
Wife, on her knees, literally begging: 'Mimi Nakoundinda tinkouji!'
Husband shouts angrily: 'Na miaou kina Tim kouji!'

I can’t believe you just sat there trying to read this!
You don’t know any Japanese!
You'll read anything as long as it’s about sex....
Sometimes I worry about you and think your in need of serious help!

Senior Wedding

March 28, 2016

Jacob, age 92, and Rebecca, age 89, living in Miami , are all excited about their decision to get married.
They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding, and on the way they pass a drugstore.
Jacob suggests they go in.
Jacob addresses the man behind the counter:
'Are you the owner?'
The pharmacist answers, 'Yes.'
Jacob: 'We're about to get married. Do you sell heart medication?'
Pharmacist: 'Of course, we do.'
Jacob: 'How about medicine for circulation?'
Pharmacist: 'All kinds.'
Jacob: 'Medicine for rheumatism?'
Pharmacist: 'Definitely.'
Jacob: 'How about suppositories?'
Pharmacist: 'You bet!'
Jacob: 'Medicine for memory problems, arthritis and Alzheimer's?'
Pharmacist: 'Yes, a large variety. The works.'
Jacob: 'What about vitamins, sleeping pills, Geritol, antidotes for Parkinson's disease?'
Pharmacist: 'Absolutely.'
Jacob: 'Everything for heartburn and indigestion?'
Pharmacist: 'We sure do.'
Jacob: 'You sell wheelchairs and walkers and canes?'
Pharmacist: 'All speeds and sizes.'
Jacob: 'Adult diapers?'
Pharmacist: 'Sure.'

.............Jacob: 'We'd like to use this store as our Bridal Registry.'

 

Why Germans don’t play Scrabble

March 25, 2016

Why Germans don

Handyman husband

March 24, 2016

Wife texts her handy husband on a cold winter morning:
'WINDOWS FROZEN ~ WON'T OPEN'...

Husband texts back:
'GENTLY POUR SOME LUKEWARM WATER OVER THE EDGES AND THEN TAP EDGES SHARPLY WITH HAMMER'......

Wife texts back 5 minutes later:
.........'LAPTOP REALLY MESSED UP NOW.'