Things to reflect on – Part 2
I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.
Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.
Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.
If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Things to reflect on Part 1
If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.
I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.
Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.
I changed my password to 'incorrect' so whenever I forget it the computer will say, 'Your password is incorrect.'
Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?
Take my advice - I'm not using it.
My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen
Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been long time close friends. But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, 'Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?'
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, 'But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.'
Mrs. Murphy said, 'Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it.'
Mrs. Cohen said, 'After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.'
Mrs. Murphy said, 'For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen'
Mrs. Cohen said, 'And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?'
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, 'Good for you! So what do you do?'
Mrs. Murphy says, 'We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.'
Mrs. Cohen said, 'Yes? And then?'
Mrs. Murphy said, 'Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we just f*ck.'
Retiree Mental Fitness Evaluation
This test is to ascertain your mental state now.
There are 4 test questions.
1. How do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you scroll down.
The correct answer:
Open the refrigerator, put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you tend to do simple things in an overly complicated way.
2. How do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the refrigerator?Wrong Answer.
Correct Answer: Open the refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions of your previous actions.
Lion King Test
3. The Lion King is hosting an Animal Conference. All the animals attend ... except one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct Answer: The Elephant. The elephant is in the refrigerator. You just put him in there. This tests your memory.
Okay, even if you did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one more chance to show your true abilities.
4. There is a river you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat. How do you manage it?
Correct Answer: You jump into the river and swim across. Haven't you been lis-ten-ing? All the crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference. This tests whether you learn quickly from your mistakes.
According to Anderson Consulting Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct answers. Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a four-year-old.
Senior Coffee Group
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Timmy's Diner.
'My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,' said one.
'Yes, I know,' said another. 'My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee.'
'I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled,' volunteered a third.
'What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady!
'I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,' said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
'My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!' exclaimed another.
'I forget where I am and where I'm going,' said another.
'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,' winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
'Well, count your Blessings,' said a woman cheerfully....
........... Thank God we can all still drive'