He Knows Everyone

January 13, 2016

Ole knows everybody. Ole was bragging to his boss one day, 'You know, I know everyone der is to know. Just name someone, anyone, and I know them.'
Tired of his boasting, his boss called his bluff, 'OK, Ole how about Tom Cruise?'
'Sure, yes, Tom and I ver old friends, and I can prove it.'
Ole and his boss fly out to Hollywood and knock on Tom Cruise's door, and sure enough, Tom Cruise, shouts, 'Ole! Great to see you!
You and your friend come right in and join me for lunch!'

Although impressed, Ole's boss is still skeptical. After they leave Cruise's house, he tells Ole that he thinks Ole's knowing Cruise was just lucky.
'No, no, just name anyvone else,' Ole says. ''President Obama,' his boss quickly retorts.
'Ya sure,' Ole says, 'I know him.'
We fly out to Washington to see him.'

Off they go. At the White House, Obama spots Ole on the tour and motions him and his boss over, saying, 'Ole, what a surprise, I was just on my way to a meeting, but you and your friend come on in and let's have a cup of coffee first and catch up.'

The boss is shaken now, but still not totally convinced. After they leave the White House grounds, he expresses his doubts to Ole, who again implores him to name anyone else. 'The Pope,' his boss replies.
'Sure!' says Ole. 'I've known the Pope a long time.'

The unconvinced boss flies them off to Rome. Ole and his boss are assembled with the masses in Vatican Square when Ole says; 'This will never work. I can't catch the Pope's eye among all these people. Tell you what, I know the guards so let me just go upstairs and I'll come out on the balcony with the Pope.'
And he disappears into the crowd headed toward the Vatican.
Fifteen minutes later Ole emerges with the Pope on the balcony.

By the time Ole returns, his boss has had a heart attack and is surrounded by paramedics.
Working his way to his boss's side, Ole asks him, 'What happened?'

His boss looks up and says, 'I was doing fine until you and the Pope came out on the balcony and the Japanese tourist next to me asked, 'Who's that on the balcony with Ole?'

Another Double Standard

January 12, 2016

When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment.

When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.50/min
............... (charges may vary).

Low Battery

January 11, 2016

A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger.
Give that man a medal.


January 8, 2016

A wealthy man and his wife were having dinner at an upscale restaurant when this absolutely stunning young woman comes over to their table, gives the husband a big open mouthed kiss, then says she'll see him later and walks away.

The wife glares at her husband and says, 'Who the hell was that?'
'Oh,' replies the husband, 'she's my mistress.'
'Well, that's the last straw,' says the wife. 'I've had enough, I want a divorce!'

'I can understand that,' replies her husband, 'but remember, if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers in Tuscany, no more BMW in the garage and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours.'

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with a gorgeous babe on his arm.
'Who's that woman with George?' asks the wife.
'That's his mistress,' says her husband.
............. “Ours is prettier,' she replies.

Senior Blind Date – Planning His Wardrobe

January 7, 2016

Senior Blind date