Responses to Use With Telemarketers Part 1

November 11, 2015

1. If they want to loan you money, tell them you just filed for bankruptcy and you could sure use some money.
2. If they start out with, 'How are you today?' say, 'I'm so glad you asked, because no one these days seems to care, and I have all these problems. My arthritis is acting up, my eyelashes are sore, my dog just died . . . '
3. If they say they're John Doe from XYZ Company, ask them to spell their name. Then ask them to spell the company name. Then ask them where it is located, how long it has been in business, how many people work there, how they got into this line of work if they are married, how many kids they have, etc. Continue asking them personal questions or questions about their company for as long as necessary.
4. This works great if you are male. Telemarketer: 'Hi, my name is Judy and I'm with XYZ Company. ' You: Wait for a second and with a real husky voice ask, 'What are you wearing?'
5. Cry out in surprise, 'Judy? Is that you? Oh my God! Judy, how have you been?' Hopefully, this will give Judy a few brief moments of terror as she tries to figure out where she could know you from.
6. Say 'No' over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each one, and keep a rhythmic tempo, even as they are trying to speak. Sing in an operatic voice if possible. Or a 'Tiny Tim' falsetto. This is most fun if you can do it until they hang up.
7. If MCI calls trying to get you to sign up for the Family and Friends Plan, reply, in as sinister a voice as you can, 'I don't have any friends, would you be my friend?'
8. If the company cleans rugs, respond: 'Can you get out blood? Can you get out goat blood? How about human blood?'
9. After the Telemarketer gives his or her spiel, ask him or her to marry you. When they get all flustered, tell them that you can't just give your credit card number to a complete stranger.
10. Tell the Telemarketer that you work for the same company, and they can't sell to employees.

Size Matters

November 10, 2015

Women's response to:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches- I've had bigger than it.
5 inches- Good , but I wish a bit bigger!
6 inches - perfect.
7 inches - Love it.
8 inches - Wow ! but can't have it all.
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of:

Subway Sandwiches !

But I love the way you think!... and this is why I worry about you ...

Obituary

November 9, 2015

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, 'Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'.'

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, 'Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.'

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says.....

'In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1978 Pick-up for sale.' '

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

November 5, 2015

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, 'Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Norma always replied, 'I know ED, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, 'Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Norma replied, 'Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ' Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word its fifty dollars.'
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! '
Ed replied, ' Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! '

Grandpa & the IRS

November 4, 2015

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me Fifty Thousand Dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.