Things to reflect on – Part 2

April 9, 2016

I hate it when people use big words just to make themselves sound perspicacious.

Hospitality is the art of making guests feel like they're at home when you wish they were.

Television may insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.

 

Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes.

If you keep your feet firmly on the ground, you'll have trouble putting on your pants.

A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.

 

Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

 

Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.

 

Things to reflect on Part 1

April 8, 2016

If I had a dollar for every girl that found me unattractive, they'd eventually find me attractive.

I find it ironic that the colors red, white, and blue stand for freedom, until they're flashing behind you.

Today a man knocked on my door and asked for a small donation towards the local swimming pool, so I gave him a glass of water.

I changed my password to 'incorrect' so whenever I forget it the computer will say, 'Your password is incorrect.'

 

Doesn't expecting the unexpected mean that the unexpected is actually expected?

Take my advice - I'm not using it.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years; then we met.

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen

April 7, 2016

Mrs. Murphy and Mrs. Cohen had been long time close friends. But, being old-fashioned, each went to a retirement home of her own respective religion. It was not long before Mrs. Murphy felt very lonesome for Mrs. Cohen, so one day she asked to be driven to the Jewish Home to visit her old friend.
When she arrived she was greeted with open arms, hugs, and kisses. Mrs. Murphy said, 'Don't be holdin' back, Mrs. Cohen, how do you like it here?'
Mrs. Cohen went on and on about the wonderful food, the facility and the caretakers. Then, with a twinkle in her eye, she said, 'But the best thing is that I now have a boyfriend.'
Mrs. Murphy said, 'Now isn't that wonderful! Tell me all about it.'
Mrs. Cohen said, 'After lunch we go up to my room and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on the top, and then on the bottom, and then we sing Jewish songs.'
Mrs. Murphy said, 'For sure it's a blessing. I'm so glad for you, Mrs. Cohen'
Mrs. Cohen said, 'And how is it with you, Mrs. Murphy?'
Mrs. Murphy said it was also wonderful at her new facility, and that she also had a boyfriend. Mrs. Cohen said, 'Good for you! So what do you do?'
Mrs. Murphy says, 'We also go up to my room after lunch and sit on the edge of the bed. I let him touch me on top, and then I let him touch me down below.'
Mrs. Cohen said, 'Yes? And then?'
Mrs. Murphy said, 'Well, since we don't know any Jewish songs, we  just f*ck.'

Retiree Mental Fitness Evaluation

April 6, 2016

This test is to  ascertain your mental state now.
There are 4 test  questions.

Giraffe  Test
1.    How  do you put a giraffe into a refrigerator?
Stop and think about it and decide on your answer before you  scroll down.

The  correct answer:
Open the refrigerator,  put in the giraffe, and close the door.
This question tests whether you  tend to do simple things in an overly complicated  way.

Elephant  Test
2.    How  do you put an elephant into a refrigerator?
Did you say, Open the  refrigerator, put in the elephant, and close the  refrigerator?Wrong Answer.

Correct Answer: Open the  refrigerator, take out the giraffe, put in the elephant and close the  door.
This tests your ability to think through the repercussions  of your previous actions.

Lion  King Test
3.    The Lion King  is hosting an Animal Conference.  All the   animals attend ... except  one. Which animal does not attend?
Correct  Answer: The  Elephant.  The elephant is in the refrigerator.  You just put  him in there.  This tests your memory.

Okay, even if you  did not answer the first three questions correctly, you still have one  more chance to show your true abilities.

Crocodile  Test
4. There is a river  you must cross but it is used by crocodiles, and you do not have a boat.  How do you manage  it?

Correct  Answer: You jump into the river  and swim across.  Haven't you been lis-ten-ing?  All the  crocodiles are attending the Animal Conference.  This tests whether  you learn quickly from your mistakes.

According to Anderson Consulting  Worldwide, around 90% of the Retirees they tested got all  questions wrong, but many preschoolers got several correct  answers.  Anderson Consulting says this conclusively proves the  theory that most Retirees do not have the brains of a  four-year-old.

Senior Coffee Group

April 5, 2016

A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at Timmy's Diner.
'My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee,' said one.
'Yes, I know,' said another. 'My cataracts are so bad; can't even see my coffee.'
'I couldn't even mark an 'X' at election time because my hands are so crippled,' volunteered a third.
'What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you, said one elderly lady!
'I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck,' said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
'My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!' exclaimed another.
'I forget where I am and where I'm going,' said another.
'I guess that's the price we pay for getting old,' winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
'Well, count your Blessings,' said a woman cheerfully....

........... Thank God we can all still drive'