Size Matters

November 10, 2015

Women's response to:

2 inches - I can't even hold it.
3 inches - Never been so unsatisfied.
4 inches- I've had bigger than it.
5 inches- Good , but I wish a bit bigger!
6 inches - perfect.
7 inches - Love it.
8 inches - Wow ! but can't have it all.
9 inches - Painful but manageable.
10 inches- Too much pressure on stomach.
This survey was Customer's Feedback on different SIZES of:

Subway Sandwiches !

But I love the way you think!... and this is why I worry about you ...

Obituary

November 9, 2015

A woman from the deepest, most southern part of Alabama goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is 50 cents a word.

She pauses, reflects and then says, 'Well, then, let it read, 'Billy Bob died'.'

Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor says, 'Sorry ma'am, there is a 7 word minimum on all obituaries.'

Only a little flustered, she thinks things over and in a few seconds says.....

'In that case, let it read, 'Billy Bob died - 1978 Pick-up for sale.' '

Fifty bucks is fifty bucks!

November 5, 2015

Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, and every year Ed would say, 'Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter.'
Norma always replied, 'I know ED, but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks!'
One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, 'Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance'
To this, Norma replied, 'Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks.'
The pilot overheard the couple and said, ' Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny!
But if you say one word its fifty dollars.'
Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word...
When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, 'By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! '
Ed replied, ' Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out, But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! '

Grandpa & the IRS

November 4, 2015

The IRS decides to audit Grandpa, and summons him to the IRS office.
The IRS auditor was not surprised when Grandpa showed up with his attorney.
The auditor said, 'Well, sir, you have an extravagant lifestyle and no full-time employment, Which you explain by saying that you win money gambling. I'm not sure the IRS finds that believable.'
I'm a great gambler, and I can prove it,' says Grandpa. 'How about a demonstration? '
The auditor thinks for a moment and said, 'Okay. Go ahead.'
Grandpa says, 'I'll bet you a thousand dollars that I can bite my own eye.'
The auditor thinks a moment and says, 'It's a bet.'
Grandpa removes his glass eye and bites it.
The auditor's jaw drops.
Grandpa says, 'Now, I'll bet you two thousand dollars that I can bite my other eye.'
Now the auditor can tell Grandpa isn't blind, so he takes the bet.
Grandpa removes his dentures and bites his good eye.
The stunned auditor now realizes he has wagered and lost three grand, with Grandpa's attorney as a witness. He starts to get nervous.
'Want to go double or nothing?' Grandpa asks 'I'll bet you six thousand dollars that I can stand on one side of your desk, and pee into that wastebasket on the other side, and never get a drop anywhere in between.'
The auditor, twice burned, is cautious now, but he looks carefully and decides there's no way this old guy could possibly manage that stunt, so he agrees again.
Grandpa stands beside the desk and unzips his pants, but although he strains mightily, he can't make the stream reach the wastebasket on the other side, so he pretty much urinates all over the auditor's desk.
The auditor leaps with joy, realizing that he has just turned a major loss into a huge win.
But Grandpa's attorney moans and puts his head in his hands.
'Are you okay?' the auditor asks.
'Not really,' says the attorney. 'This morning, when Grandpa told me he'd been summoned for an audit, he bet me Fifty Thousand Dollars that he could come in here and pee all over your desk and that you'd be happy about it.

Mens’ Helpline

November 2, 2015

'Hello, my name is Bob. How can I help you? '

'Hello Bob, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: If the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up. She goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I usually fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home, she got out of someone's car buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket. Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?'