The Popes Crossword
One day, a shy gentleman was preparing to board a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight.
'This is exciting,' thought the gentleman. 'I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in person.'
Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself. Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry-on bag and began penciling in the answers.
'This is fantastic!' the gentleman mused. 'I'm really good at crosswords. It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, He'd ask me for assistance.'
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, 'Excuse me, but do you know a four letter word referring to a woman that ends in… u-n-t ? The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible, all looking for something on the floor.
The man was in morbid shock. He couldn't breathe. He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute, the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said, with reverence and politeness, ' l believe, Your Holiness that you're looking for the word, ' aunt ' '
'Of course!' the Pope declared, ....'Do you have an eraser?'
The ‘Economic Stimulus’ Payment.
Sometime this year, we taxpayers will again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ?
A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.Where will the government get this money ?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money ?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment ?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a ; high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the U.S. Economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will ; go to China or Sri Lanka.
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India , Taiwan or ; China...
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico , Honduras and Guatemala...
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go ; to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to ball games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer – or
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the U.S. )
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
The Long Wait
While waiting they began to wonder; Could they possibly get married in Heaven?
When St. Peter arrived they asked him if they could get married in Heaven.
St. Peter said, 'I don't know. This is the first time anyone has asked. Let me go find out,' and he left.
The couple sat and waited for an answer.... for a couple of months.
While they waited, they discussed the pros and cons. If they were allowed to get married in Heaven, should they get married, what with the eternal aspect of it all?
What if it doesn't work? Are we stuck in Heaven together forever?'
Another month passed. St. Peter finally returned, looking somewhat bedraggled.
“Yes,' he informed the couple, 'You can get married in Heaven.'
'Great!' said the couple. 'But we were just wondering; what if things don't work out? Could we also get a divorce in Heaven?'
St. Peter, red-faced with anger, slammed his clipboard on the ground.
'What's wrong?' asked the frightened couple.
'OH, COME ON!!!' St. Peter shouted. 'It took me 3 months to find a priest up here! Do you have ANY idea how long it'll take to find a lawyer?”
In a Bar
Two women are sitting in a bar. The first woman says, “And where about in Ireland are ya from?”
The other woman answers, “I'm from Dublin , I am.”
The first one responds, “So, am I!! And what street did you live on in Dublin ?”
The other woman says, “A lovely little area. It was in the west end. I lived on Warbury Street in the old central part of town.”
The first one says, “Faith, and it's a small world. So did I! So did I! And what school did ya go to?”
The other woman answers, “Well now, I went to Holy Heart of Mary, of course.”
The first one gets really excited and says, “And so did I! Tell me, what year did you graduate?” The other woman answers, “Well, now, let's see. I graduated in 1964.”The first woman exclaims, “The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us!
I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same pub tonight! Can you believe it? I graduated from Holy Heart of Mary in 1964 me self!”
About this time, Michael walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer. Brian, the bartender, walks over to Michael shaking his head and mutters, “It's going to be a long night tonight.”
Michael asks, “Why do you say that, Brian?”
Brian answers, “The Murphy twins are drunk again.”
Senior USB Stick
Shortly it will be coming compulsory for senior citizens to carry not only their ID, but also their insurance documents, their prescription list, a compact version of their medical file, the statement declaring if they want to be resuscitated after a heart attack, stroke, etc. etc. Consequently, a lot of paperwork will have to be carried when a senior citizen goes out the front door OR When they Travel!
Specifically for this purpose, a special 'Senior USB Stick' has been developed.
Take a look below...