2 Quotes from W.C. Fields

January 21, 2016

When asked if he believed in clubs for women fields answered:
Yes, if every other form of persuasion fail.

On Water:
I never drink water; it's the stuff that rusts pipes and fish Fu*ck in it



A Husband and Wife had a fight.

January 20, 2016

Wife called her Mom: He fought with me again, I am coming to you.

Mom: No dear, he must pay for his mistake.
.............  I am coming to stay with you!

An Important Anatomy Study

January 19, 2016

“Several years ago, Great Britain funded a study to determine why the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft. The study took two years and cost over 1.2 million pounds. The study concluded that the reason the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to provide the man with more pleasure during sex.

After the results were published, France decided to conduct their own study on the same subject. They were convinced that the results of the British study were incorrect. After three years of research at a cost of in excess of 2 million Euros, the French researchers concluded that the head of a man's penis is larger than the shaft to provide the woman with more pleasure during sex.

When the results of the French study were released, Australia decided to conduct their own study. The Aussies didn't really trust British or French studies. So, after nearly three hours of intensive research and a cost of right around 75 dollars (three cases of beer), the Aussie study was complete.

They concluded that the reason the head on a man's penis is larger than the shaft is to prevent your hand from flying off and hitting you in the forehead.”

The Best Duck Story Ever

January 18, 2016

A duck walks into a pub and orders a pint of beer and a ham sandwich.
The barman looks at him and says,  'Hang on! You're a duck.'
'I see your eyes are working,' replies the duck.
'And you can talk!' Exclaims the barman.
'I see your ears are working, too,' Says the duck.
'Now if you don't mind, can I have my beer and my sandwich please?'
'Certainly, sorry about that,' Says the barman as he pulls the duck's pint.
'It's just we don't get many ducks in this pub... What are you doing round this way?'
'I'm working on the building site across the road,' Explains the duck.  'I'm a plasterer.'
The flabbergasted barman cannot believe the duck and wants to learn more, but takes the hint when the duck pulls out a newspaper from his bag and proceeds to read it.
So, the duck reads his paper, drinks his beer, eats his sandwich, bids the barman good day and leaves.
The same thing happens for two weeks.
Then one day the circus comes to town.
The ringmaster comes into the pub for a pint and the barman says to him
'You're with the circus, aren't you? Well, I know this duck that could be just brilliant in your circus. He talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything!'
'Sounds marvelous,' says the ringmaster, handing over his business card.
'Get him to give me a call.'
So the next day when the duck comes into the pub the barman says,
'Hey Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money.'
'I'm always looking for the next job,'
Says the duck.
'Where is it?'
'At the circus,' Says the barman.
'The circus?' Repeats the duck.
'That's right,' Replies the barman.
'The circus?' The duck asks again. with the big tent?'
'Yeah,' the barman replies.
'With all the animals who live in cages, and performers who live in caravans?' says the duck.
'Of course,' the barman replies.
'And the tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle?' persists the duck.
'That's right!' says the barman.
The duck shakes his head in amazement, and says .. . .
'What the hell would they want with a plasterer??!

How the Width of US Roads Came To Be

January 15, 2016

Does the statement, 'We've always done it like that' ring any bells?
Read this to the end; enlightenment shall be yours!!

The US standard railroad gauge (distance between the rails) is 4 feet, 8.5 inches. That's an exceedingly odd number. Why was that gauge used? Because that's the way they built them in England, and English expatriates built the US Railroads.

Why did the English build them like that? Because the first rail lines were built by the same people who built the pre-railroad tramways, and that's the gauge they used. Why did 'they' use that gauge then? Because the people who built the tramways used the same jigs and tools that they used for building wagons, which used that wheel spacing.

Okay! Why did the wagons have that particular odd wheel spacing? Well, if they tried to use any other spacing, the wagon wheels would break on some of the old, long distance roads in England, because that's the spacing of the wheel ruts.

So who built those old rutted roads? Imperial Rome built the first long distance roads in Europe (and England) for their legions. The roads have been used ever since. And the ruts in the roads?
Roman war chariots formed the initial ruts, which everyone else had to match for fear of destroying their wagon wheels. Since the chariots were made for Imperial Rome, they were all alike in the matter of wheel spacing.

The United States standard railroad gauge of 4 feet, 8.5 inches is derived from the original specifications for an Imperial Roman war chariot. And bureaucracies live forever. So the next time you are handed a specification and wonder what horse's ass came up with it, you may be exactly right, because the Imperial Roman army chariots were made just wide enough to accommodate the back ends of two war horses!
Now, the twist to the story

When you see a Space Shuttle sitting on its launch pad, there are two big booster rockets attached to the sides of the main fuel tank. These are solid rocket boosters, or SRB's. The SRBs are made by Thiokol at their factory at Utah. The engineers who designed the SRBs would have preferred to make them a bit fatter, but the SRBs had to be shipped by train from the factory to the launch site. The railroad line from the factory happens to run through a tunnel in the mountains. The SRB's had to fit through that tunnel. The tunnel is slightly wider than the railroad track, and the railroad track, as you now know, is about as wide as two horses' behinds.
So, a major Space Shuttle design feature of what is arguably the world's most advanced transportation system was determined over two thousand years ago by the width of a horse's ass. And You thought being a HORSE'S ASS wasn't important!